Raising grandchildren can be challenging, particularly because they have experienced trauma. As a survivor of abuse, foster parenting, adopting 2 children with trauma, raising those children, and now as a grandparent raising my grandchild, I have faced struggles that others could never comprehend. I have learned that understanding how trauma affects us is key to providing the stability and love children need.

As grandparents raising grandchildren, we must also reflect on our own upbringing—an era when parents, teachers, and even strangers could discipline us with little to no restraint. My goal is to help you recognize that there is a better way. We must also be mindful of our grandchildren’s past experiences, especially if they have endured abuse. In many cases, we may never fully know the extent of their suffering, making it even more important to approach them with understanding, patience, and compassion.

Understanding Trauma and Its Impact

Trauma is not just one event; it is about how a person processes and carries it. Many children raised by grandparents have faced loss, abuse, neglect, or what I call “invisible trauma.” This can come from attachment disruptions, like being separated from birth parents at any age, or from emotional and psychological abuse. These experiences shape how they feel, behave, and trust others. I saw this firsthand when I fostered, then adopted and raised two daughters, and again when I took custody of my grandchild. Each of them carried deep fears they could not yet put into words.

At first, I misunderstood what was happening in my home. I could not comprehend why these children, 9 months and 18 months old at removal, would approach strangers without hesitation. Those children eventually resorted to stealing food from the cabinets and hiding it under their beds, or worse, in their mouths after chewing it. We had plenty of food, including a snack cabinet they could access anytime, but that did not provide the sense of food security they needed.

I misunderstood why these children, in their pre-teens, directed their rage towards me until a therapist explained this concept that really made sense. Children express intense emotions and their worst behaviors with the people they trust the most. If they turn to you, you hold the power to make a lasting impact. Research states this is a privilege and an opportunity to guide children in understanding and managing their emotions, but I think this is only possible if you can endure their anger and understand its cause. If you do not fully understand, it is very easy to take this behavior quite personal.

When my daughters became teenagers, it felt like they turned against me, and home was no longer my safe space. One child was silent and passive-aggressive, and the other was outwardly aggressive. I swore I would never abandon them, but as their hostility grew, so did my urge to vanish into the night and never look back. The constant battle with dark thoughts severely affected my mental health, but the shame kept me from seeking help. The resources I have today and sharing my story are precisely what drive me to share my journey.

Children affected by trauma may react intensely to minor stressors, appearing irrational or overly sensitive. Their brains are conditioned to anticipate danger, making traditional discipline ineffective and, at times, even harmful. Understanding that these reactions are rooted in past trauma, not defiance, is key to offering the necessary patience and support for their healing. Research from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN) highlights that early trauma significantly impacts brain development, often leading to emotional and behavioral challenges (NCTSN, 2021).

Understanding trauma parenting equipped me to handle my adult children, and I was prepared to raise my 4-month-old grandchild. I understood how to prevent problems, take care of my mental health, and how to break the generational cycle that has plagued my life. The more I learned, the stronger I became, and the more I healed.

1. Creating a Safe Environment

Children who have experienced trauma need consistency. I made my home predictable: regular mealtimes, bedtime routines, and clear expectations. I reassure my grandchild, who now calls me mama, that she is safe, even when she tests boundaries. My new level of patience with children often astounds those who observe me.

If there is a mistake made in my home by any child, my response is typically, “First, this is the safest house ever to make a mistake because I get that you are a child, and you are learning.” Then I follow it with, “This was not okay, [insert whatever happened].” I end with, “You are such a great kid, and we can do better next time.” I hug kids who know my family well. My calm voice, understanding of normal child behavior, and my sense of humor have always made children feel safe around me. That is critical for establishing a safe space.

This approach has helped my granddaughter thrive as she navigates life. She is being raised by a calm parent who teaches resilience. Mistakes are opportunities to learn, not reasons for distress, and adults mess up as much as kids, and we need to be accountable and apologize. I have zero shame in saying, “I am sorry.” She also remains confident and unafraid, as she has never had to fear physical punishment.

2. Emotional Regulation Over Discipline

As a parent, I learned that traditional discipline, often focused on punishment, was not effective for my children. When they lashed out, I sometimes reacted with frustration and matched their energy, yelling back. During my research and attending intensive therapy, I realized that children, especially those with trauma, respond much better to connection. This does not mean there is no discipline, but it changes how I approach guiding my child.

Reflecting on my childhood, I recognized that extreme physical punishment only fostered fear and deep resentment, rather than teaching valuable lessons. The beatings I received continued until I moved out. This “discipline” taught me how to lie, avoid everyone in my home, and led to a chronic history of running away.

The key is to acknowledge emotions without letting them dictate behavior. I avoid disciplining until both of us are calm, giving us space to address the issue thoughtfully. For example, I learned to meet my child where the issue occurs, waiting quietly near her until she is ready to talk.

My screaming child hated being sent to her room to calm down, so I learned to sit near her quietly wherever the event happens. This avoids engaging in the chaos of a tantrum, which can escalate things further. Any child who is yelling and out of control has zero capacity to have a rational conversation.

There is a time for redirecting your child, and there is a time for taking a pause. We know our kids best, and learning those cues to tell us to step back can make a big difference in our ability to connect with our kids.

3. Building Trust Through Connection

For grandparents taking custody of older children, keep in mind that trust takes time. Even if you have an established relationship with your grandchild, taking custody changes your entire dynamic. They are learning to trust you as a guardian or adoptive parent, rather than just as a fun grandparent who leaves at the end of the visit.

My grandchild trusts me because I have raised her since infancy, but with my adult children, our connection broke in their teen years, and it caused trust to be shattered. My best description is that we became acquaintances who felt a sense of obligation on the holidays. When they initially pushed me away as young teenagers, I clung to them, but days turned into weeks and then into years. When I took custody of my granddaughter, I felt I needed to let them go so I could focus on what was in front of me.

The trust my grandchild has with me is 100% because of the strong connection we have. I have been consistent and have learned what truly matters in life. This is a very different relationship than I had with my other two children, and I attribute that to changing my parenting style to a trauma-based approach.

4. Seeking Support

In my mid-50s, I realized I could not do this alone. Therapy, sharing and writing my story, and trauma-informed parenting resources helped me navigate so many difficult moments. Connecting with other grandparents who are raising grandchildren also reminded me that I was not alone on this journey, and I have connected with a few parents whose children attend school with my granddaughter. This journey is not for the weak, and it is exponentially more difficult when we isolate ourselves.

If you feel completely alone and at your wit’s end, please reach out to me on my website, www.MiMitoMama.com, and I will respond as I am able.

The Importance of Self-Care

Caring for a grandchild who has experienced trauma can be emotionally exhausting. Self-care is critical, especially since we are older, but I can tell you that I sometimes have more energy than my 30-year-old friends. This journey can consume every piece of us, and the first thing we put to the side is taking care of ourselves. My excuses used to be endless, such as, “I cannot afford a sitter,” “Where would I go by myself?” or “I am so tired that I want to just lay in my bed.”

Simple self-care for grandparents raising grandchildren can include:

1. Short breaks: Even a few minutes of deep breathing or stepping outside for fresh air can refresh your mind.
2. Restful moments: Take a 10-15 minute nap or relax with a favorite book or show. Although naps make me more tired, they work well for others.
3. Healthy snacks: Keep easy, nutritious snacks on hand for quick energy boosts.
4. Connection: Share a conversation or a moment of laughter with a friend or loved one. A good laugh is always a boost!
5. Physical activity: Stretch or walk for a few minutes to release tension.
6. Simplify tasks: Delegate small responsibilities or create a routine to reduce stress. This is far easier than you might think.

Even small actions can make a difference when you are feeling overwhelmed.

Final Thoughts

Raising a grandchild is a journey filled with love, patience, and learning. Learning about trauma has changed me; frustration turned to empathy, fear to connection. If you are on this path, know that you are not alone, and with the right tools, healing is possible for both you and your grandchild.

I invite you to share your personal stories of trauma parenting, whether they are negative or positive. Your story could provide comfort, insight, or even a sense of connection for someone who feels alone in their pain.